The Five Things

Dear readers,

I had a few topics I was considering for this month’s newsletter, around family mental health, but decided to switch to the topic of “The Five Things” given the theme of loss that seems to surfacing among so many people I know.

Overall, fall seems to be a season that brings up some grief, with the end of summer, the impending winter and more hours of darkness.

I know so many families at the moment coping with terminal illness of a loved one, or already grieving the loss of someone they love.

So, this is a topic I hope may help you either now or later, whether it’s during your own journey with a loved one facing end of life, or to pass along to someone you know who is facing loss.

The Five Things

In a beautiful book about grief called, “Grieving Mindfully” by Sameet M. Kumar, he shares some wise advice from Ira Byock, who worked in hospice, about five important conversations to have with someone who is dying.

When people are given permission to have these meaningful conversations, it can provide comfort and peace to everyone involved. Our instincts can be to move away from these emotional topics, but by leaning in to talk about what has been left unsaid, or just needs to be said one more time, we can support the grief process.

The first of the conversations is “Thank you”. This is a chance to express gratitude to the person who is dying, for things both big and small. It may be a thanking your parent for coaching your sports teams when you were younger, or giving the best hugs. Let them know specifically what you most appreciate. Thank them for their presence in your life.

Secondly, “I love you”. Every family has their own way of expressing feelings, and when you know someone is dying, it’s a chance to make it explicit. If you are someone who tends to be reserved about expressing emotion, this is a chance to say exactly how you feel. If you already told your loved one how much you loved them all the time, feel proud of it, and don’t hesitate to say it again while you have the chance.

The next two are about recognizing that as humans, we are all imperfect and will make mistakes, especially in the relationships that are most important to us. This is natural.

Therefore, “I’m sorry” is the third conversation. In our relationships, we often regret conflicts or periods of disconnect, time not spent together or other ups and downs. Those in caregiver positions may feel sorry they could protect their loved one from dying. This is not about actually being to blame, but just expressing the emotions involved when we wish something could be different.

“I forgive you”. You may also need to bring up any issues that you may have caused you resentment or hurt, and release the burden for both you and the person who is dying. By expressing forgiveness, you open yourself to focus more on the love, the gratitude and pure grief. You may provide your loved one with peace and relief, too.

Lastly, and perhaps most painfully, “Goodbye”. Goodbye is acknowledgement that time is finite. However, it does not mean the relationship ends or that you ever forget. You continue your connection with your loved one after death.

How to have this conversation?

These “Five Things” may be expressed at the bedside of someone who is dying, or you may have a chance to say them earlier on. If you find you can’t come up with the words when with your loved one, no matter how much you want to, could you write a letter to them, and then read it out loud to them? Or give it to them to read while you are nearby?

For those who have already lost a loved one, you may not have had this chance to say all the above. Know that it is never too late to experience some of the benefits. Many people share that they have conversations with the person who died, while at the gravesite, or out in nature, or while holding their photo. You can write a letter or journal about the “Five Things” in your quiet time reflecting on your grief. This is also something you can bring to therapy, if you have professional support. I hope the idea of "The Five Things" helps some of you in some small way.

On to other important resources I would like to share ....

Podcast episode about grief and holidays

I was honoured to be invited to speak with Dr. Jennifer Vriend about how we can navigate the holidays when grieving. I hope the conversation and guidance may provide you or someone you care about with some ideas.
​

New group offering! DBT for youth.

I also wanted to share an upcoming group offering for teens that I believe will offer so much support to youth who need support around regulating emotions and are looking to build skills to cope with issues such as anxiety or depression. It is facilitated by my wonderful colleague, Hayley and it starts up in December, over Zoom. The info and how to contact Hayley can be found in the link:

​
​​​​​

Welcome to anyone new to my monthly newsletter. If at any point you don't wish to receive these communications, you can click unsubscribe below. That said, I hope you will stick around!

Sincerely,

Joanne

​
​Unsubscribe · Preferences​