Happy October! September sure was a beautiful extension of summer. This past weekend I joined the many enthusiastic people hiking in Gatineau Park and was rewarded with the view above. I hope you all have a chance to get outside sometime this week and enjoy the warm sunshine while it lasts.

Today's topic is serious, so a heads up to those coping with grief or losses in your family, that it could bring up some emotions. I hope it will also be helpful to parents facing difficult situations.

Should I tell my child the truth if it will cause them pain?

This has come up a lot lately in conversations with families. Why should you tell your child something you know will cause pain?

How much should you disclose when there is something really scary or sad happening in the family?

This could be a terminal diagnosis of a loved one. It could be the presence of addiction or a mental health issue. It may be about a separation / divorce.

The instinct for many loving parents is to hold onto very painful truths, for as long as possible. I have felt that instinct myself, both as a parent, but also as a therapist, when vulnerable children are involved. I worried about the child's ability to cope. Over time, I learned how much children can benefit from the adults being up front and open in those scenarios.

Here are some reasons I believe honesty is usually the best policy.

• Children may find out anyway, but not from their parents and in a way that is frightening or distressing.
• When they do eventually get more information, they may realize something was kept secret and feel hurt or resentful towards adults they need to trust. This can then affect their ability to trust people going forward. They may experience anxiety, wondering what else is being kept from them.
• Kids usually know more than we think they do. However, if they are not being told the true story, their imagination fills in the missing pieces. This can fuel a lot of fear and worry.
• Kids deserve to be included and respected and that means they should be given the truth at an age appropriate level.
• Children can miss out on precious opportunities to have important conversations or make the most of time with a loved one. This can't be fixed easily later and may damage other relationships.
• It is better in the long run to re-direct energy from trying to hide the reality towards supporting kids to understand and process their emotions around the truth.

How to tell children and teens the truth, when it's so painful?

You understandably may feel overwhelmed by how to have this conversation.

Here are some tips.

1. Put aside distractions and announce that you are about to have an important conversation, to set the stage and ensure everyone is engaged.
2. Choose a time when you, as the parent, are as emotionally regulated as possible and present for your child, and when they are also rested and able to focus.
3. Have another adult present to share the information and support the delivery, such as your spouse or co-parent, or a grandparent, wherever possible.
4. Be clear and factual. Don’t dance around the topic with words they won’t understand or statements that are vague.
5. Give enough information so that they know the most important details, but remember you can have follow up conversations to answer their questions or give more context. Giving information in stages is often helpful.
6. Reassure them that all their feelings are allowed and encouraged. Validate their reaction with compassion and active listening. Try not to “fix” or minimize any of their feelings in an effort to lessen your own suffering to see them hurting.
7. Stay close by and offer support in the hours and days to come. Remind yourself that children often show their emotions through behaviour, so assume that any unusual behaviours are a sign of them processing their emotions.
8. Reach out to your own support system for comfort to care for yourself amid this very difficult aspect of caregiving that you are providing.

Therapists can be a support to parents facing these situations, so that they feel grounded and confident when going into these conversations. I often take time with parents to process their own emotions, validate their fears about causing distress, and help them create a script for the conversation. It helps to write down the main points to cover and even practice saying it out loud in advance. If this is something you need help with, let me know.

In my parent support groups, we work on this concept of scripts and tricky conversations. I will be sending out an another email later this week with info about an upcoming offering that may be of interest! Stay tuned.

For anyone who may have missed it, here is the recording of the "Emotion Coaching" workshop from September. Thanks again to all who attended and showed interest!

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A last resource I would love to share is this recent Ted Talk about repair in relationships. Some of you may remember I shared some thoughts about this topic in a newsletter in August. I only wish I could speak as eloquently as the fabulous Dr. Becky! Well worth the listen.

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If you made it this far, THANK YOU! As always, I am open to feedback, questions and comments. I appreciate you taking time to read this.

Sincerely,

Joanne

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